You Know You're a Real Bird Owner When...

My Top 10 List

But drinking, oh that has increased - mostly by the humans.  

10- You stop swearing at home to make sure no bad habits are picked up and repeated forever. (That's assuming you have a bird that actually talks - like they are supposed to but they refuse or are unable and you think you have a parrot that might have been dropped on his head as an egg.) 

9- In the interest of avian education you listen to a recording of the Andy Griffith theme song instead of your favorite playlist over, and over, and over, and over (and then leave the house and can't get that freaking tune out of your head).

8- You wait for the UPS man, delivering the latest parrot toy, like a kid waiting for Santa. Only to have your bird show more interest in the packaging than the package - like that kid.

7- You make your friends FaceTime with your parrot (even though you understood when your kids were young that no one - except Grandma - wanted to talk with them so really, who the hell wants to FaceTime with your bird. But you do it anyway).

6-You whistle to your bird so often you start thinking that you're going to need botox or filler in your upper lip because you are working yourself into a whole new bunch of wrinkles.

5- Everyone you know sends you YouTube videos of other parrots outperforming yours and you wonder if the brightest thing yours will ever do is wolf whistle at the 10 year old walking down the street. No one thinks that's cute. No one normal anyway.

4- You have more equipment for one 9 ounce creature than you ever had for all your kids. And we all remember how much equipment we had for our kids! 

       The mark of The Beak

2- You watch your parrot dig into a slice of pizza and immediately feel an emotional connection to this creature - all over their love of carbs and tomato sauce. 

3- They lunge at you and you are reminded once again, that birds are descended from raptors and we are fortunate that there was an ice age. 

1- Your decision to own this animal causes you to rethink all your life choices up 'til now.

*****

You put up with all this for how long? Oh yeah - about 40-60 years. I'm still not ready to give up but I'm not sure I'm ready to embrace my life sentence. 

The Creep in the Pink House

"Be careful what you teach your parrot. They haven't perfected the art of discretion" ~ Patti to John

Finally, finally Gandalf the Gray, named after the wise wizard has finally learned something. While I was gone John was proud of one avian accomplishment. Gandalf knows how to wolf whistle. And, like a young child who has learned an annoying ditty, he never stops that whistle.

Now, while I'm sitting on the front porch, passers-by look over, see Gandalf and are amused. John's concern, and rightly so. centers around when the bird is in the house. You see, we live down the street from the middle and elementary schools and we get lots of parents walking their children to school passing by. We're not sure what they are thinking when they hear wolf whistling coming from the elaborate pink house as their children walk by. 

So, I'm gone two weeks and The Beak is nipping Jack Daniels and whistling like a truck driver. Good thing I wasn't gone longer!

Winning Over Gandalf

"If your parrot is too bonded to you, you might try leaving him with a trusted friend for a bit." ~ Random Parrot Blog

The friendlier Gandalf gets with me the less friendly he is with others. I use the term "friendly" generously as he allows me to scratch his head for a bit and the biting has become a soft nip. As his behavior towards me has softened, he no longer allows anyone else to handle him. We were trying to address this new challenge.

Unfortunately, Hurricane Harvey hit my parents' home pretty hard so I needed to go down to Houston for a few weeks. This seemed like a good time for John to become the primary parrot caregiver and he was up to the task ~ or so we thought. 

I had to talk pretty quickly on that video to capture The Beak with his nipper of Jack Daniels. In my haste, I forgot to include these additional "treats" that John tried. Some birdie bonbons and something that looks suspiciously like rodent poison.

Alas, nothing worked (no, he really didn't give him a shot of bourbon) and both of them struggled through the two weeks. While I think it was worth it to capture this shot, I don't think John would agree. 

And yes, Mad Max is still on the job. Stalking The Beak has become his only purpose in life. 

Stepping Back in Time

"African Greys are highly intelligent and need toys to keep them busy. Look for educational childrens' toys to challenge your parrot." ~ Random Parrot Blog

Yes, we really did this.

I haven't stepped into a Toys R Us in about 18 years. Our first observation is how much smaller the store is now; Amazon's affect on Main Street shopping. Since the big box stores severely affected the small independent shops it's hard to generate sympathy, but it is interesting to see how our shopping habits affect real life. I finally found the educational toys, buried in the back, past all the video games. Also, new to me, it would appear that every freaking toy now makes a sound when touched. Since John loves to futz with all the toys we left a cacophony of noise in our wake. I thought they were going to ask us to leave. Even the kids were giving us weird looks.

We really were here for a bird. A fairly unpleasant bird. I wouldn't have been buying my kids a toy if they exhibited the same behavior. I must be getting soft in my old age. 

After a lot of nostalgic browsing we got a cute toy that will, no doubt, teach Gandalf to spell, count, sing, and learn colors. Perhaps I can get him to say hello first. 

I think I really need a grandchild. 

So here it is Ella the Elephant. Gandalf did what most of our kids do when presented with a new toy. Played with it for about three minutes and then spent a half an hour chewing on the box it was packaged in. He really is like a two year old. In that sense Random Parrot Blogs do not lie.

Or Else...

If the chandelier doesn't work I could always move this unique fellow over by his cage. I'm thinking this could be an effective hint to guests who overstay their visit. Find this on your bedside table and I'm sure you'd be out in no time. Fortunately I haven't had to use him. But geezum - what's the story here?

"African Greys study their humans, right down to the minute detail. They learn what works and they will repeat a certain behavior, as long as it gets them attention." Random Parrot Blog

Gandalf's cage is within view of this chandelier in our rental house. The eclectic decorating is quite interesting and I'm not sure if these are real wings. Honestly, I've been afraid to see. After a particularly obnoxious screeching session I thought about telling Gandalf that these were the wings of the parrots who came before him. 

Parrot Banking 101

"I like to think of my relationship with a particular parrot as a sort of trust bank account -- I can make deposits into this account by creating positive, rewarding experiences for the bird."~ Random Parrot Blog

I'm all for making these deposits. I provide food, encouraging words, entertainment, but I draw the line at ear piercing shrieking and flesh biting. Sometimes you have to make a withdrawal. In life as with work, there are times when enough is enough and you have to cash in some chips. Meet The Towel.

The Towel is the equivalent of the work Hammer. Obviously, in this case, the Hammer would be overkill, quite literally. When Gandalf gets into shriek mode I'm supposed to put him in his cage but he shifts into a screaming biting frenzy so I make my withdrawal from the trust account and I've got to admit, it's pretty satisfying. 9 ounces of fury I can handle as long as I've got - The Towel. The trick is to hold off as long as possible. Got to keep the balance in that account in the black. Fortunately I'm noticing that The Towel is needed less and less. 

Max Wakes Up

This is Max at 11:10 am.

It's been about three weeks since we acquired this bird and Frodo has been a concern as he apparently has a strong prey drive. His good nature stops him before he actually is a threat but I keep a very close eye on him. Max however:  Mean. Old. Partially blind. Partially deaf. Totally senile. Mean Mad Max has been happily disinterested in Gandalf. Until yesterday. That was the day when he experienced a flash of clarity and has been obsessively stalking The Beak ever since. 

This is Max at 11:55 am. I wanted to wait him out but I was afraid he'd collapse so I moved him. I doubt he remembered what he was there for.  A good guess since I found him standing behind a chair staring at a wall for I don't know how long. #olddogpasstimes

This is now a thing. We find Max attentively poised staring at nothing all around the house. Not exactly a very effective (or is that affective) stalker.

We did have a close call when Gandalf suddenly took flight in front of Max and he surprised us with youthful quick reflexes, pouncing upon the bird. My shrill screaming and quick action nearly gave John a heart attack but saved The Beak. He now has one tail feather that appears to be permanently askew but he rallied well and doesn't seem to have any emotional scars since he's still fearless around the dogs. We've added lots of child gates to our list of parrotphanalia.  

Just in case you thought I was exaggerating. There's his funky tail feather. 

Getting Ready for The Game (of Thrones)

Since last Sunday marked my transition to parrot tamer I looked forward to bringing Gandalf upstairs to watch his second episode of Game of Thrones. Here he is doing his best dragon impression. You should turn the sound up for best effect. And the last sound...his screech in slo-mo. Sounds like the Horn of Mordor - crazy.

So as we got all set up to bring him up the dragon power got to his head and he laid his feathers back and lunged at us. Suffice it to say he missed his TV show and instead went to bed early.

This is what Time Out looks like for a parrot. Thank goodness for this lifesaving heavy quilt. It definitely works. He is blissfully quiet as soon as he's cocooned in here. 

You've got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold them. In this case I walked away before I had to run. 

Time To Hit The Gym

"Parrots are naturally curious and playful. Keeping them engaged will benefit them and provide you with hours of entertainment." ~ Random Parrot Blog.

Unfortunately the play "gyms" are quite pricey so, ever frugal, I looked up the DIY version. As I scoured the aisles of Home Depot, a very nice man offered to help me figure out the benefits of Y couplings vs. T valves vs. - whatever. Finally, I made my purchase, got home and enthusiastically assembled Gandalf's play gym.

What I had envisioned didn't translate to what I actually constructed (a common theme among my DIY projects). You can see that not even Mr. Frodo could work up any enthusiasm for my creation. Gandalf showed even less zeal.

Fortunately I know when it's time to change course and invest in a new strategy. Amazon Prime, once again, to the rescue. My UPS man and I are going to be on a first name basis pretty soon. (Again I make the disclaimer: buying local is best. So if anyone knows of a bird supply store in northern VT let me know.) As you can see, the finished product is pretty awesome. It's also HUGE. We're in the market for a new home and are going to have to add to the square footage requirement after this behemoth addition.

When I brought Gandalf over he was petrified. I can't blame him. Between that "harness" and this...got to make the poor boy wonder. Fortunately he feels about peanuts the way I feel about chocolate so I've been able to lure him over. It's been three days of him sitting atop the gym, screeching only occasionally, so I can't say he's curious and playful but if I count the time spent assembling the gym as "hours of entertainment" then I guess the parrot blog wasn't all wrong.  Now I just need to figure out how to repurpose this PVC piping.

Parrot Harness or ...

"Socialization and desensitization are very important in raising a young African Grey. Bring them out in public as much as you are able."  ~ Random Parrot Blog

 Okayyyyyy. So I needed a harness. I invested in the Aviator -"the only escape proof harness". Nothing but the best for us. We skipped the Lindberg helmet and goggles however. (Looks like this model has the Gandalf Attitude.).  

Amazon Prime's 48 hour delivery had me checking the front door like a kid anticipating Christmas. (I would have bought local but, given this is VT, there aren't many stores that need an inventory of  bird harnesses.) This will be great. We'll be walking around town in no time. Package arrived! I excitedly opened the box and this is what I received. Hmmmm.

And it comes with a video. My mind went to... interesting places. Well, anyway, I'm told by the Aviator box that it takes 3-5 days for my parrot to adjust to the harness. Right now Gandalf runs away from the sight of it. I'm supposed to hang it on his cage so he gets used to it. Note to self: remove this when guests visit. Not sure they will believe it wasn't flung there in some 50 Shades reenactment. 

GoT

It was after the squash attack that I decided that I would not be beaten down. Life sends lessons our way in unique packaging. Gandalf, I decided, is my new challenge to conquer. Well mine and Mr. Frodo's.

 I'm not adverse to challenges, eventually. I tend to take them on in two phases. Phase 1 (usually short-lived) always involves a lot of whining and feeling sorry for myself. In this case it centered around the money spent and the lemon of a bird I got compared to all the cute parrot videos. Yes, I've seen Einstein. And I know about the study of the brilliant African Grey named Alex. That was what I was going for - not this, this- anti-social, petulant Beak. 

Phase 2 - Fortunately, Phase 2 follows Phase 1 in fairly short order. Time, or a particularly bad incident, brings about Phase 2. (In this case it was watching Gandalf clearly enjoying his violent attack on that innocent squash). It is in Phase 2 that I take up arms (humor) and prepare to overcome through tenacity. 

This was the moment I decided that this miserable parrot would not be a mistake. With a new sense of empowerment, I reached into the vegetable carnage and retrieved Gandalf and set him up next to me to share in some relevant entertainment.

And do you know what? He was riveted. He sat and watched an entire episode of Game of Thrones. And following that all he wanted to do was climb onto my finger. That's when I decided to start this blog to share my Phase 2 experiences (with some Phase 1's sprinkled in - because - life is like that). I've got to admit though, I'm concerned for next Sunday night when we may see Daenerys and her dragons. Gandalf doesn't need any new ideas for wreaking havoc.

Gandalf vs Squash

"It's so fun to share your food with your parrot. Make mealtime special and bring him to the table so you can all eat together."  ~ Random Parrot Blog

It will be a treat, they said. A "feel-good" time, they said. 

Getting Cocky(ier)

"Frodo you hungry? I dare you to come over here. Bwahahahahaha." Tired of just bullying the humans, The Beak has now taken over the dog's food dish, increasing his reign of terror to the canines in the house.

Friend or Food

Mr. Frodo has been trying to decide if Gandalf is a food source or source of food. He's almost convinced that eating the scraps are better than going after the scrapper. (He's also intimidated by the squawking.) Smart dog.

My Dream Purchase

I made a major purchase. I've always wanted an African Grey parrot and given their lifespan of about 40 years, I figured it was now or never. I'm aware that parrots are screechers but African Greys don't have the capacity for that (so I was told). Well meet Gandalf the Grey who is very special. This over-achiever starts screaming about 5:30 am. Every morning.

This morning I tried to take him outside to break the cycle. Inspired by his proximity to nature, Gandalf sang the song of his people but louder and longer than he's supposed to be able to do. So I brought him back inside before neighbors called the police. I went straight to my computer to google how to shut up a parrot. Pressed for time I went with the first hit:

"As an avian veterinarian I encourage you to shower with your parrot. They will enjoy this distraction. " ~ Random Parrot Blog.

I was skeptical so I clicked the link (trying to ignore the screeching in the background). Must be ok. I mean they sell special perches for this activity and someone even goes in the shower with the parrot. How bad can it be?

Ever wonder what a parrot bite feels like? Imagine someone taking a small bit of your skin with pliers and twisting it around in circles. It feels like that, except when the bird releases your flesh it takes about an hour for the pain to subside. Apparently the shower freaked Gandalf out so he proceeded to slide down my arm and sink his raptor-like beak into my flesh. I've read that you aren't supposed to yell. Yeah. So I yelled. And I swore and flailed my arm causing the beast to flutter to the floor.

Parrots aren't happy on the floor when they are insecure so Gandalf wanted to climb up my body to get to higher ground. In the melee I hadn't been able to get dressed and the pain of my arm meant that I wasn't risking him grabbing, well, anything else on me so he was chasing me around the bathroom and I was moving like a velociraptor was after me.

Once I layered up with clothing I got him up to this shelf, where he proceeded to poop in my contact case. And as you can see in this picture he left me a few other tokens. He wouldn't leave so I went downstairs and considered calling a SWAT team as my bird had taken my bathroom hostage. I finally decided if those two kids in Jurassic Park could handle a T-Rex I could wrangle one 9 ounce freaking parrot.

So - Gandalf is back in his $$$ cage and I am back to reading parrot blogs. This is going to be even more challenging than I thought. No more showers until we've gotten to know each other better.

I think that's probably a good lesson in general.